


Silence Drowns the Screams

by sanguinary_design



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013), james hunt - fandom, niki lauda - fandom
Genre: And More Angst, Angst, Formula One, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 02:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanguinary_design/pseuds/sanguinary_design
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence Drowns the Screams

**Author's Note:**

> A blend of real events and things they said, the movie version, and things I made up. Very angsty.  
> As always, pure fiction. No truth to any of this.

“I can do this myself, James”

The bandage he had been wearing that day was now off. The fresh splits in the healing skin felt open and wet in the cold air of the bathroom. He was fumbling with the bandage roll, trying to steady his hands as he cut himself a fresh strip.

He didn’t get himself out of hospital as soon as he could just to have everyone pity him. The worst of it was the way they would twist their necks, staring, seeking out the side of his face where his ear used to be. 

James was leaning against the doorframe, hands in his pockets, trying to be casual. Niki knew better. His eyes gave him away. They were full of concern, and tracing the right side of his face, no doubt ogling his ear. Maybe, one day, the asshole could just get used to it. 

“Are you going to stare at me the whole time?”

Niki knew everyone would, now and for the rest of his days, find their gaze drifting slightly above his eyes, or slightly to the right of them. As for himself, he would eventually be used to the scars. No one else would. He would spend the rest of his life with this face, a face that frightened people.

Niki held one end of the bandage against his head as he wrapped it over his hairline and around the back of his head, wincing at the contact.

It still hurt. The pain around his eyes had become a dull throb at most, but his ear, or rather what was left of it, would get jostled sometimes and the scabs would break. Sometimes, he could pretend he could feel the top of his ear aching, but then he would put his hand up to touch it to remind himself that nothing was there. 

“Niki, I just want to tell you, once again, how sorry I am. If there was anything I could do-“

“What’s it to you? They restated the race. You won. You should be happy.”

“This isn’t about winning.”

“Then what is it about, James?”

“I’m trying to apologize.”

“You already did.”

 

Niki tightened the bandage around his head, fastening it, turning his head to check it in the mirror.

“I can’t help but blame myself.”

“I knew the risk. We are used to it, every year, seeing people die in front of us.”

A short while ago, some reporter had asked him, ‘Is there any psychological aftereffects from this accident, for you, at all?’ Niki had wanted to tell him that obviously there were. What kind of dummkopf are you that you would think otherwise? But he didn’t do that. Instead, he replied flatly, diplomatically, ‘No, I don’t think so. Everything looks good.’

People usually criticized his frankness. Such blunt words meant no one questioned his honesty. 

In the deep black of night he felt his skin burning, consumed once again in flame. Only no one helped him. He would scream, but no sound would come. He would kick violently, clawing and struggling with his restraints, but couldn’t get out. The black smoke would choke him, ripping down his throat and incinerating his lungs. And he couldn’t wake up.

Everyone had something to hide.

James punctured the silence. “I’m sure they can do something more for you, not that you need it.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Why ever not?” James looked puzzled.

“People, they don’t look the same. Too much plastic, it ruins you, makes you look fake. What matters is how I drive.”

“Surely there’s more than that?”

“No.”

The skin grafts and eyelid surgery to see, those were all he had needed. Let them stare at the mangled ear. Let them talk about that. Further surgery would mean he was somehow uncomfortable with his new appearance. It would say he was weak, self-conscious. He might as well tell them about how he spent what felt like hours running his fingers over his melted skin, chest hollow, bent over in front of this mirror. He would never tell them that. What was private was private.

“For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.” James said.

Niki turned to face him.

“Am I your enemy?”

“If you read the papers, you’d think we want to kill each other. “

He had panicked on his first practice lap. He couldn’t change into second gear for the whole lap. He had pulled out of the pits, intent on continuing as he had before. But something had jammed in his brain. It was like someone had thrown the e-brake and he couldn’t overcome it. At that point the doubts began to shout in his mind. 

Then he won fourth place. The doubts had receded back into the darker corners of his mind. For a day.

“I don’t regret it, James. Yes, we could have cancelled, but I know the risk involved. If it didn’t happen then, it could have happened at some other race.”

James walked across the room, stopping only a foot or two away from Niki, who was still standing in front of the mirror.

“But you went into those races willingly. I feel like I forced you into that one. It wasn’t fair of me. So please, accept my apology.”

“I already have.”

James shifted his weight, brought his left arm up, and placed a heavy hand on Niki’s shoulder.

“I deserved to win, and I did. But I wish I could have shared it with you.”

James was looking directly into his eyes.


End file.
